literature

A cupboard full of dreams

Deviation Actions

Only-L's avatar
By
Published:
4.1K Views

Literature Text

A cupboard full of dreams
is all that’s left in my kitchen.
You took sugar, salt and spice
and left me monsters, castles and knights
to cook our meals with.

Can’t you see this isn’t enough?

You say you’ll be paid some day,
and till then, we’ll survive, somehow.
But the cupboard is empty to all but us,
and to me, its contents are fading.

You built good dreams
they lasted longer than all the others.
What kind of preservatives did you use?
I bet it was sugar and lemon and love.

You knew that this way, I’d never get enough.
hm...

oh, my PC is broken, so I'll probably write less for the moment (writing on my sis's now, and she'll want it back some time soon ^^;)
Comments96
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
Compusician's avatar
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

I love poetry! And I am into Haiku (short poetic verses), but I can't pass up a good write when it comes by...

(I am a pro, "proet", so please forgive me if I go too far for the average weekend bard. I would like to see your poem on OriginalPoetry.com).

The first line is a home run right off the bat! But what is missing? I see only 6 syllables (metered feet). In songwriting, the standard would be 5 or less with musical "make up".

In poetry, I don't know until I read on. 5 or 7 syllables is usually the mark. Don't believe me? "I love Rock n Roll" - Joan Jett. "Paperback Writer" - Beatles "I'm all out of love" - Air Supply... and the list goes on.

Good news, just drop the "A" in your opening line, and wala! 5 syllables.

But in poetry it is not just that. There is a form. I like Pushkins form, personally. You can Google that. And if you want, adapt your poem to that form. When you do, your poem will start to see the light of day that really was meant for it to shine!

Why would I offer to you this advice? It seems like I am criticizing you, yes? NO!

Your poem is not YOU (in the reader's eyes). Your poem is simply the speaker, and the reader will know right away who your poem is speaking to. (Let me be clear. The poem is never speaking about the poet. When one makes judgement on the poem, it is never judgement on the poet.)

I love your way of using the kitchen. "A cupboard full of dreams", great imagery.

"Monsters"? Okay. But then why the romantic items, "Castles and Knights"? I'm a guy. C' mon, we got two outta three?

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt=":)" title=":) (Smile)"/> I know. Women think different.

"Sugar and Lemon and Love" this could really be a hit song if you develop it. I could. But I won't. Take a deep breath. Let your poem slide for a few days. Listen to the radio for that ONE word you need. It takes time. Google your thoughts, and see... what the world has to offer.

No one gets it all in a second, and if they do, it never lasts that long.

YOU can do it. And you will know when your song or poem is ready. It takes courage to put your feelings on paper, just like you did. Now keep going further. Your cupboard is bare. Stock it up.

With all my love Gary, aka EinStud
.

PS Resist the temptation to put your work online before it is ready for the world. You need to polish it first. Rewrite your words. I like to use the online Thesaurus (dictionary.com?) to see if there is a better word. How many syllables can I spend, and so on.... Poem or song writing is fun, and a challenge! You will have it good if you take your poem, and polish it.